…im sitting here on my sofa and the words “i just wanted to love you” won’t stop running through my head.  over and over like some sort of strange mantra designed to hypnotize and drive the pain a little bit deeper.  i just wanted to love you. Truly.

my eardrums still echo your laughter. my hand is still shaped in the curve of your hips and my lips taste of yours.  the smell of you inhabits my lungs..and i get high every time i take a deep breath. 

i just wanted to love you. i wanted the pieces to fit. i wanted the song to be ours…

i just wanted to love you. instead we fill our eyes with heartbreak and our heart with tears. 

i just wanted to love you…but it’s bigger than both of us and we’re too fragile to carry the weight.

..then fucking make me want to stay.

her apologies drip with obligation and resentment.

she crosses her arms to hold the anger close to her heart.

she screams that she loves me and the words cut like tiny icicles through my chest.

…this doesn’t feel like love.

tears paint the lines of pain down both of our faces…each drop carrying hope further away.

we try to pick up the pieces we remember but they crumble under the weight of our sorrow.

we cry out for love to find us again but it seems it has forgotten us and moved on to hearts more willing to feel. more willing to trust. more willing to learn.

we are shivering in the wake of its absence. both of us frozen from the emptiness.

…this doesn’t feel like love.

the soft morning light ignites more tears like the dew drops on petals but we wipe them away and tuck the evidence into our hearts in the hopes of fooling the sun.

we start another day with memories and dreams whisked into a mixing bowl that we pray creates bits of hope we can taste, smell, and hold in our hands.

somewhere, there is an unwillingness to let go. an unwillingness to accept defeat and we hold on to one another for one more day.

..praying that today it will feel like love.